| The Nation |
Washington, DC:
Today is a glorious day for patriots and peanut farmers alike; in an unheard of, unanimous decision, both houses of congress signed the so-called Peanut Act into law.
Effective immediately, every American citizen or "visitor" will be required to eat one pound of peanut based, peanut containing, or purely peanut products per 24 hour period. "Peanut 'flavored' products will not count towards this requirement." stated Congressman, Anthony Weiner, (D, Brooklyn) "nor will peanut shaped, non peanut containing products..." Added Weiner, "We've got some good people watching you, better eat them nuts!"
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| Tony Balon: One of the first lucky lil' scamps to get a tour of a Peanut Appreciation Enablement Facility. |
Basic tenets of the new Law include: mandatory attendance at Peanut Appreciation Enablement Facilities for any person found deficient in their daily intake requirements, new vaguely defined and all-encompassing powers for those in government, and the future commissioning of a "Pride Of The Peanut" statue on the Capitol Mall.
Every American will abide by this law!
Think peanut allergies will get you out of this one? Think again! According to Dr. Raymond Holmes of the American Science Society, a special fund has been set up to eliminate the violent and deadly affects of peanuts on certain "subhumans." Holmes stated, "I believe the first casualties stemming from this new law will be remembered as martyrs in a glorious quest towards Peanut Destiny!"
Protests to this new law so far have been small and limited to hippies and other such Non-Americans. Most have been disbanded in only a few hours after a realization of their own personal uselessness seemed to spread throughout the crowds. For those who didn't disperse immediately, Peanut Enforcement Agents of Task Force "Jiffy" have responded with brutal blasts from peanut butter canons, and peanut filled bean bags. That'll show those hippies! Agent McSlovitichek has reported that new peanut based tear-gas-like compounds are in development for use in future outbreaks of peanut non-civility should they ever occur.
For you few brave readers who actually take an interest in what your country demands of you, we have included the full text of the new law below. Enjoy, and don't forget your daily intake. Or else!
The Law:
Bring Unity to Law Loving Sovereign Households In
Thiscountry (BULLSHIT) Act of 2003
Proposed By: The D-Man, esq.
| An Act To Deter and punish current lawmakers for their inability to comprehend what it is that they are actually doing, and for other reasons. Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America: <<NOTE: Bring Unity to Law Loving Sovereign Households In Thiscountry (BULLSHIT) Act of 2003>> in Congress assembled, SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE AND TABLE OF CONTENTS Table of Contents.--The table of contents for this Act is as follows: Title I- Enhancing Homeland Unity Against Governmental Idiocy Section 101- Reversal of Patriot Act Title II- Enhancing Homeland Appreciation Of Peanuts and Peanut-based Products. Section 201- The Peanut Section 202- D-manal Findings on The Peanut Section 203- Authority To Require Daily Consumption Of Peanut Products Section 204- Peanut Register And Trap And Trace Authority Under FISA Section 205- Establishment of Special Fund For Investigation Into Lethality Reduction caused by certain Respiratory Ailments As A result Of Proposed Daily Peanut Consumption Section 206- Assisting Peanut Enforcement Agencies Section 207- Civil Liability for Certain Unauthorized Disclosures Of Peanut Consumption Status Any provision of this Act held to be invalid or unenforceable by its terms, or as applied to any person or circumstance, shall be construed so as to give it the maximum effect permitted by law, unless such holding shall be one of utter invalidity or unenforceability, in which event such provision shall be deemed severable from this Act and shall not affect the remainder thereof or the application of such provision to other persons not similarly situated or to other, dissimilar circumstances or not but quite possibly they will be. TITLE I---ENHANCING HOMELAND UNITY AGAINST GOVERNMENTAL IDIOCY Sec. 101. REVERSAL OF PATRIOT ACT Sections 1-1016 of UNITING AND STRENGTHENING AMERICA BY PROVIDING APPROPRIATE TOOLS REQUIRED TO INTERCEPT AND OBSTRUCT TERRORISM (USA PATRIOT ACT) ACT OF 2001 [H.R. 3126] are amended by striking all text and inserting "BLAH, BLAH! GO TEXAS!" TITLE II---ENHANCING HOMELAND APPRECIATION OF PEANUTS AND PEANUT-BASED PRODUCTS Sec. 201. THE PEANUT Pronunciation: 'pE-(")n&t Function: noun Date: 1802 a low-branching widely cultivated leguminous annual herb (Arachis hypogaea) with showy yellow flowers having a peduncle which elongates and bends into the soil where the ovary ripens into a pod containing one to three oily edible seeds; also : its seed or seed-containing pod. Sec. 202. SENSE OF D-MAN ON THE PEANUT (a) Findings.--D-Man makes the following findings: (1) Peanuts, Peanut Oils, Peanut Butter, and other Peanut Products play a vital role in our Nation and are entitled to nothing less than a nationally mandated and enforced daily intake quota for every citizen and alien. (2) Peanuts, Peanut Oils, Peanut Butter, and other Peanut Products are delicious! (3) The concept of individual responsibility for peanuts is sacrosanct in American society, and applies equally to all food groups of which the peanut is a member. (b) Sense of D-Man.--It is the sense of D-Man that-- (1) The civil rights and civil liberties of all Americans, including Arab Americans, Muslim Americans, and Americans from South Asia, must be protected, and that every effort must be taken to preserve their safety; provided they eat Peanuts, Peanut Oils, Peanut Butter, and other Peanut Products. (2) The Nation is called upon to recognize the patriotic peanut eating of fellow citizens from all ethnic, racial, and religious backgrounds. Sec. 203. AUTHORITY TO REQUIRE PEANUT CONSUMPTION Criminal Offense.-- In general.--Whoever, with the intent to evade a peanut consumption requirement under section 203, knowingly does not consume more than 12 oz in Peanuts or other peanut based instruments in the span of 14 consecutive hours or of such individual or in any conveyance, article of luggage, merchandise, or other container, and transports or transfers or attempts to transport or transfer such peanut requirement from a person within the United States to a person outside of the United States, or from a person outside the United States to a person within the United States, shall be guilty of a Peanut Non-Consumption offense and subject to punishment pursuant to subsection (a). Penalty.-- (a) It shall be the policy of the United States that any person(s) found guilty of crimes against peanuts shall be placed into state sponsored Peanut Appreciation Enablement Facilities for a period of no less than one year for the first offense, and it shall be the policy of the United States that any person(s) found guilty of recidivism in crimes against peanuts shall be exiled to Burkina Faso. | Sec. 204. PE(a)N(ut) REGISTER AND TRAP AND TRACE AUTHORITY UNDER FISA (a) Applications and Orders.--Section 402 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1842) is amended-- (1) in subsection (a)(1), by striking ``for any investigation to gather foreign intelligence information or information concerning international non-peanut eating'' and inserting ``for any investigation to obtain foreign intelligence information not concerning a United States person or to protect against international non-peanut eating'' or clandestine non-Peanut Butter containing sandwich crafting activities, provided that such investigation of a United States person is not conducted solely upon the basis of activities protected by the first amendment to the Constitution''; (2) by amending subsection (c)(2) to read as follows: ``(2) a certification by the applicant that the information likely to be obtained is foreign peanut information not concerning a United States person or is relevant to an ongoing investigation to protect against international non-peanut eating'' or clandestine non-Peanut Butter containing sandwhich crafting activities, provided that such investigation of a United States person is not conducted solely upon the basis of activities protected by the first amendment to the Constitution.''; (3) by striking subsection (c)(3); and (4) by amending subsection (d)(2)(A) to read as follows: ``(A) shall specify-- ``(i) the identity, if known, of the person who is the subject of the investigation; ``(ii) the identity, if known, of the person to whom is leased or in whose name is listed the telephone line or other facility to which the peanut register or trap and trace device is to be attached or applied; ``(iii) the attributes of the communications to which the order applies, such as the number or other identifier, and, if known, the location of the telephone line or other facility to which the peanut register or trap and trace device is to be attached or applied and, [[Page 115 STAT. 287]] in the case of a trap and trace device, the geographic limits of the trap and trace order for peanuts.''. Sec. 205.-ESTABLISHMENT OF SPECIAL FUND FOR Approved By Senate: September 16, 2003 Approved By House: September 16, 2003 |